Adoption

What's Adoption?

How is a family created? Often, we think of families being made when a woman gives birth to a child. But adoption is another way families are created. Adoption means a legal process that allows someone to become the parent of a child, even though the parent and child are not related by blood.

In other words, a woman and man are not the kid's "birth parents." The child did not grow inside the woman's body. But in every other way, adoptive parents are the child's parents. By going through this legal process of adoption, they are promising to take care of the child and make him or her part of their family.

Being a parent is a lot of work, but having a family also makes grownups very happy. Kids make almost anything more fun, so it's no wonder people want to have them in their lives.
Some people choose to adopt because they have medical problems that make it impossible for them to have their own biological (say: bi-oh-law-jih-kal) children. Some single adults, although they don't have a partner or don't want to get married, really want to be parents.
Other kids might get adopted when one of their parents remarries. The new husband or wife might adopt the kids as a way to show that they are all one family now.
It often takes a lot of time and effort to adopt a child. Some people wait for years to adopt a baby. Adopting a child is not like shopping for a new coat. You don't just pick one off the rack and take it home.

How Does Adoption Work?

Adoptions are usually handled by a government agency or a private group. These groups work hard to investigate the people who say they want to adopt a child. Before letting them adopt a child, adoption workers need to find out a lot of stuff about the adoptive couple. They would want to know if either of them had ever done anything wrong, like committing a crime. They do not want kids to be adopted by people who might not take good care of them.

The adoptive couple also has to meet with social workers and others to explain why they want to adopt a child. They're also asked other questions to find out how they feel about kids and how they might solve problems, such as arguments, that happen in every family. The agency wants to be sure that children are adopted into homes where they will grow up happy and loved.

It's good that many people want to adopt kids, but why do kids need to be adopted? Most kids are not adopted. They grow up with their birth parents. But sometimes, a woman gives birth when she is young and before she's able to take good care of the baby. Other times, when babies are adopted from other countries, and the baby's mom could be older and might even have other children already.

Why Do Kids Need to Be Adopted?

Babies are big responsibilities. You need to have enough money for the diapers, clothes, and other supplies the baby will need. A parent also must be willing to work very, very hard. Parents need to wake up in the middle of the night when the baby needs to eat.

They also can't go out with their friends any time they want. Why? Because someone needs to watch the baby. And it can be hard for someone to have a baby and still be in school or college. Even if a woman is willing to care for the baby, raising a child might be very hard — or even impossible — if the woman is poor and lives in a poor country.

It's a very hard choice, but some women decide their babies would have better lives if they lived with adoptive parents. Often, adoptive parents are older and better able to handle the responsibilities that come with being someone's mom or dad.

In some cases, an older child may be adopted because his or her birth parents tried to take care of him or her, but did a poor job. The child may have been abused or neglected and it was decided that a new home was needed. Sometimes a child lives with a foster family for a while before being adopted.
With some adoptions, the birth mother or father can stay involved in the kid's life. That doesn't mean the kid would live with the birth mom or dad, but the kid might see him or her once in a while or exchange letters or photographs. Other times, the kid doesn't get to see his or her birth parents.

No matter how this works out, it can be hard to understand. Kids may feel sad about it and have a lot of questions. Don't be afraid to talk about your feelings. Talk with your parents, or if you can't do that, try another relative or even a school counselor.

If You Were Adopted

Kids who were adopted are no different from other kids. But if you were adopted, you might have a little more on your mind than your friends. Sometimes, learning you were adopted can make it hard for you to pay attention in school.

Many kids who were adopted wonder about their birth parents and why they didn't keep them. They may wonder where they came from and what nationalities they are. They might wonder if they look like their birth parents and what their relatives are like. They might think about this stuff a lot, even if they really love their adoptive parents.

You might have questions if your family includes kids who were adopted and kids who weren't. Unfortunately, someone might say that you are not your parents' "real" kid, but that is not true. Adoption makes you a real son or daughter. Again, being able to talk about your feelings can help!

When Your Parents Fight

 

It's normal for parents to disagree and argue from time to time. Parents might disagree about money, home chores, or how to spend time. They might disagree about big things — like important decisions they need to make for the family. They might even disagree about little things that don't seem important at all — like what's for dinner or what time someone gets home.

Sometimes parents can disagree with each other and still manage to talk about it in a calm way, where both people get a chance to listen and to talk. But many times when parents disagree, they argue. An argument is a fight using words.

Most kids worry when their parents argue. Loud voices and angry words parents might use can make kids feel scared, sad, or upset. Even arguments that use silence — like when parents act angry and don't talk to each other at all — can be upsetting for kids.

If the argument has anything to do with the kids, kids might think they have caused their parents to argue and fight. If kids think it's their fault, they might feel guilty or even more upset. But parents' behavior is never the fault of kids.

What Does It Mean When Parents Fight?

Kids often worry about what it means when parents fight. They might jump to conclusions and think arguments mean their parents don't love each other anymore. They might think it means their parents will get a divorce.

But parents' arguments usually don't mean that they don't love each other or that they're getting a divorce. Most of the time the arguments are just a way to let off steam when parents have a bad day or feel stressed out over other things. Most people lose their cool now and then.

Just like kids, when parents get upset they might cry, yell, or say things they don't really mean. Sometimes an argument might not mean anything except that one parent or both just lost their temper. Just like kids, parents might argue more if they're not feeling their best or are under a lot of stress from a job or other worries.

How Do Kids Feel When Their Parents Fight?

Kids usually feel upset when they see or hear parents arguing. It's hard to hear the yelling and the unkind words. Seeing parents upset and out of control can make kids feel unprotected and scared.

Kids might worry about one parent or the other during an argument. They might worry that one parent may feel especially sad or hurt because of being yelled at by the other parent. They might worry that one parent seems angry enough to lose control. They might worry that their parent might be angry with them, too, or that someone might get hurt.

Sometimes parents' arguments make kids cry or give them a stomachache. Worry from arguments can even make it hard for a kid to go to sleep or go to school.

What to Do When Parents Fight

It's important to remember that the parents are arguing or fighting, not the kids. So the best thing to do is to stay out of the argument and go somewhere else in the house to get away from the fighting or arguing. So go to your room, close the door, find something else to do until it is over. It's not the kid's job to be a referee.

When Parents' Fighting Goes Too Far

When parents argue, there can be too much yelling and screaming, name calling, and too many unkind things said. Even though many parents may do this, it's never OK to treat people in your family with disrespect, use unkind words, or yell and scream at them.

Sometimes parents' fighting may go too far, and include pushing and shoving, throwing things, or hitting. These things are never OK. When parents' fights get physical in these ways, the parents need to learn to get their anger under control. They might need the help of another adult to do this.

Kids who live in families where the fighting goes too far can let someone know what's going on. Talking to other relatives, a teacher, a school counselor, or any adult you trust about the fighting can be important.

If Someone Gets Hurt

Sometimes parents who fight can get so out of control that they hurt each other, and sometimes kids can get hurt, too. If this happens, kids can let an adult know, so that the family can be helped and protected from fighting in a way that hurts people.

If fighting is out of control in a family, if people are getting hurt from fighting, or if people in the family are tired of too much fighting, there is help. Family counselors and therapists know how to help families work on problems, including fighting.

They can help by teaching family members to listen to each other and talk about feelings without yelling and screaming. Though it may take some work, time, and practice, people in families can always learn to get along better.

Is It OK for Parents to Argue Sometimes?

Having arguments once in a while can be healthy if it helps people get feelings out in the open instead of bottling them up inside. It's important for people in a family to be able to tell each other how they feel and what they think, even when they disagree. The good news about disagreeing is that afterward people usually understand each other better and feel closer.

Parents fight for different reasons. Maybe they had a bad day at work, or they're not feeling well, or they're really tired. Just like kids, when parents aren't feeling their best, they can get upset and might be more likely to argue. Most of the time, arguments are over quickly, parents apologize and make up, and everyone feels better again.

Happy, Healthy Families

No family is perfect. Even in the happiest home, problems pop up and people argue from time to time. Usually, the family members involved get what's bothering them out in the open and talk about it. Everyone feels better, and life can get back to normal.

Being part of a family means everyone pitches in and tries to make life better for each other. Arguments happen and that's OK, but with love, understanding, and some work, families can solve almost any problem.